FUN

 Jenny

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because  he had a very
important meeting and could not  find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, please take  pity on me. If
you find me a parking space I will go to Mass every Sunday for the
rest of my  life and give up tequila!"

Miraculously, a parking space appeared....
Pedro looked up again & said, "Never mind Lord, I found  one!"
========================================================

I say no to drugs,  they just don't listen.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

Born free, taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week.

PONDERISMS

 

·      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

·      Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

·      The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

·      Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

·      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

·      Life is sexually transmitted.

·      Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

·      The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

·      Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

·      Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

·      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

·      Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

·      All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

·      In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

·      Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

·      How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

·      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

·      Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

·      Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

·      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

·      Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

·      Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

·      Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

·      If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

·      If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

·      If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

·      If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

·      Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

·      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

·      Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

·      Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

·      Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

·      Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 

"The Obstetrician's Wife"

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed
another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making
overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal
gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw
them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two
apart and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just
delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

ATo make a woman happy..... a

man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

 

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

 

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Leave him alone